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Latest Articles
Mistakes are an inevitable part of the learning process.
But if you keep making the same mistakes over and over, it can be demoralising.
In this article, I share 12 common mistakes students make when preparing for exams, and what you can do to avoid making them.
But let me be clear, this article isn’t just for students and it’s not just about exams. It’s for anyone who is up to stuff in life. It’s for anyone who wants to keep learning and growing.
My advice is don’t read this article all in one sitting. Treat it like a practice exam: print it out, put your phone away, and work through 1-3 points at a time. Then, get up and take a fun rest break!
Are you ready to dive in? Let’s go!
Mistake 1. You leave doing your work until the last minute
Without a doubt, this is where most students go wrong with tests and exams. They don’t give themselves enough time to learn the content properly.
They leave studying until the last minute and try to cram as much information as possible.
How to avoid making this mistake:
First, there are a few things you need to understand about how you learn:
- Your brain can only take in so much information at once, and a good night’s sleep plays an important role in consolidating information (when you sleep, it’s like hitting the save button on what you’ve studied that day).
- Learning isn’t one and done. That means you can’t expect to read your textbook and have that information instantly transferred into your long-term memory. You need to revisit ideas a number of times over a period of time to make them stick.
- Deep learning isn’t usually a smooth and effortless process. It often feels like a struggle and requires a lot of mental effort (expect to feel uncomfortable).
Based on this, start preparing for exams before you feel ready, while you can still think clearly (i.e., you’re not panicking and freaking out).
Mistake 2. You are paralysed by stress and fear
Not all stress is bad. Stress can be a source of fuel and energy. It can help you focus your mind and swing into action.
But too much stress – the freaking out kind – can mess with your ability to focus and learn. If you’ve reached that point, where you feel like bursting into tears or curling up into the foetal position, you’re experiencing bad stress. You need to stop whatever you’re doing and calm your nervous system.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Start preparing early. The more prepared you are, the calmer you’ll feel and the better you’ll do.
Other strategies you can use to decrease bad stress:
- Try the box breathing technique or any breathing exercise where you slow down your breathing (e.g. breathing in for the count of four and out for five).
- Move your body (go outside for a walk or jog).
- Take regular fun rest breaks that don’t involve looking at a screen (e.g., after 25-45 minutes of study, take a 5-10 minute break).
Student tip:
“Be calm and know that you can do this.”
Mistake 3. You don’t do a ‘dress rehearsal’
Many students spend all their time leading up to their exams creating beautiful sets of notes. By the time they finish their notes, they’ve run out of time to do practice exams.
Notes can be super handy, but it’s what you do with your notes that really matters. Are you testing yourself with them? Do you create flashcards from your notes and test yourself with those cards?
The best way to ace any exam is to practise pulling information out of your brain. You need to test yourself (i.e., use active recall strategies).
Take it from me, this won’t feel as nice or easy as simply taking notes leading up to an exam. But at least you’ll be grounded in the reality of what you know and what you don’t know.
When your only exam preparation strategy is note taking, you go into the exam with a false sense of confidence (experts call this an ‘Illusion of Competence’).
Sitting tests and exams is also a skill. Whether you do well or not isn’t so much a reflection of your intelligence. It’s more a reflection of your exam technique and how well you have prepared.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Practise in the medium you’re going to be assessed in: do lots of past exam papers (ideally under timed conditions using pen and paper).
Treat it like you’re training for a marathon. At first, you might just do a 30-minute ‘exam’ workout. As you build your strength and stamina, work your way up to 45 minutes, then an hour. Eventually, be brave and attempt the full 2-3 hours.
After wrestling with some exam questions, make sure you check to see how you went (what you got right and wrong). Take note of any gaps in your knowledge, and give that content a bit more time and focused attention.
Mistake 4. You multitask as you study
Distraction is the enemy when it comes to learning. When your attention shifts rapidly from one task to another, you destroy your ability to memorise information.
Multitasking also slows you down (i.e., it take you longer to do your work), whilst speeding up your thinking. Fast and frenetic thinking is the opposite of what you need for deep learning. To deeply understand information, you need slow and deliberate thinking.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Before you sit down to study, deal with distractions from the outset. Put your phone away from your body, on silent in another room. Install an Internet blocker app, such as Cold Turkey or Freedom.
If you use social media, get someone to change the password on your social media accounts so you can’t access them during the exam period.
Do what you need to do to focus your mind for a short, intense burst of study (25-45 minutes).
Student tip:
“Put your phone and other distractions away while studying as this will benefit you in the future … however phones will destroy your future.”
Mistake 5. You avoid looking at the syllabus
The complex terms, jargon and the text-heavy nature of your syllabus can make it scary to look at. But don’t let those things put you off looking at this document.
Your syllabus is too important to ignore. Referring to this document will help focus your mind and save you hours of time.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Bypass all the jargon and head straight to the unit content section. This section tells you exactly what you’ll be assessed on.
Print this section out so you can easily refer to it without having to go on your computer (and potentially get derailed).
When you start a study session, choose a syllabus point and use an effective study strategy to make it stick (e.g., active recall).
Mistake 6. You delude yourself into thinking you’re studying
You spent hours re-reading your books, highlighting chunks of information and re-writing your notes before the exam. You can’t understand why you didn’t do better?
I’ll tell you why: you weren’t using effective study strategies.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Swap ineffective ways of studying (e.g., re-reading and highlighting) with effective study strategies, such as active recall.
You can practise active recall in different ways, including testing yourself with a deck of flashcards, doing past exam papers, and teaching a concept to a friend.
You’ve also got dual coding (i.e., using words and pictures to help you learn). I’m a big fan of mind mapping. In fact, I mind mapped my way through my undergraduate degrees in Law and Psychology, and my PhD.
Dual coding is a great way to understand new ideas and how those ideas are connected. But to make those ideas stick, make no mistake: you’ll also need to do active recall practise.
To learn more about how I combine mind mapping and active recall, check out my short online course, Let’s Mind Map!
Mistake 7. You sacrifice sleep to do more study
Entering the exam room (or any important situation) in a chronically sleep deprived state is a terrible idea. Expect to have trouble recalling information and focusing your mind.
Bottom line is: Sleep matters. It matters a lot.
This study found that students who participated in an ‘Eight Hour Sleep Challenge’ and prioritised getting 8 hours of sleep each night leading up to their final exams outperformed those who didn’t take the sleep challenge.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Make getting 8-10 hours of quality sleep a non-negotiable part of your study plan. Plug your phone into charge at least one hour before bed and don’t touch it until you get up the next day.
Remember, sleep is the ultimate performance enhancer. Everything you do, you’ll do better after a good night’s sleep.
Student tip:
“Sleep the night before. Don’t cram.”
Mistake 8. You push yourself like a machine and run out of energy
By the time you get to your final exam, you’re feeling over it. You’ve lost all motivation to study. You don’t really care how you go. So, you do the bare minimum to prepare. You go in with a plan to … wing it. But winging it isn’t an effective strategy.
How to avoid making this mistake:
If you’re running low in motivation and energy, do little activities to re-energise and feel normal again.
One student shared this piece of great advice that made me laugh:
“Study early, study late, and somewhere in the middle treat yourself to an $11 Medium meatbox from Kebab Lads.”
Perhaps an $11 meat box isn’t the best way for you to restore your energy. But that’s beside the point. The point is you must do things to keep your spirits up during exams.
Mistake 9. You study only at a screen
You’re asking ChatGPT to give you summaries of different topics and create practice exams for you, which you then do on your computer. Perhaps you steer clear of AI, but you type up your notes on your laptop.
The problem is if you’re working at a computer, you’re more likely to get distracted. As soon as it gets boring or difficult, you’ll find yourself running to the fun stuff (e.g., YouTube).
But there’s another big problem that often gets overlooked by schools that invest heavily in EdTech: the Screen Inferiority Effect. Reading on a screen and taking notes using a keyboard are not as effective when it comes to learning as using pen and paper.
As Dr Jared Cooney Horvath writes in his brilliant book The Digital Delusion:
“Learning doesn’t arise from the brain alone, it emerges from the rhythms, movements, and sensations of our entire physical selves.”
How to avoid making this mistake:
Invest in a printer and a big box of A4 paper. Print out your readings, past exam papers, the unit content section of the syllabus, any important emails, and your exam timetable.
By printing out these documents, you’ll shift from passively skimming to active reading. This will allow you to form a deeper understanding and stronger memories of the content.
Mistake 10. You study in the same location
Students who study in only one location (e.g., at a desk in their bedroom) sometimes struggle to recall information once they get into the exam.
Why would this be?
It’s because information is context-dependent. That means when we study in the same place, our memories become tethered to that environment.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Mix up where you study. You don’t need to abandon your desk, but don’t make it the only place you study.
Do some flashcard practice at the kitchen table, a past exam paper in the library, and explain a concept to a friend outside under a tree. You get bonus points if you can do a past exam paper in the actual exam venue!
When you practise in different settings, you train your brain to be able to recall information anywhere.
Mistake 11. You surround yourself with stressed out people
Stress is contagious. If you’re hanging around people who are freaking out about exams (saying things like, “I hardly studied! I’m going to fail!”), don’t be surprised if you start to freak out, too.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Before the exam, keep away from people or anything else (e.g., caffeine, too much sugar, and social media) that triggers anxiety in you. It helps to feel calm, steady, and grounded as you walk into the exam room.
After the exam, don’t waste time ruminating about it with your friends. This is a total waste of your time and energy. You can’t change what just happened. What’s done is done!
Instead, shift your focus to what you can control (e.g., taking a fun rest break and preparing for the next exam).
Student tip:
“Get in, do it, and get out!”
Mistake 12. You skim read and don’t read the question properly
I once met a law student who didn’t read the exam question properly. She was visibly distressed as she told me she missed reading the part that said you had to write only two of six essays.
What did she do?
She wrote six essays in three hours.
This may sound extreme, but mistakes like these are all too common.
How to avoid making this mistake:
Read the question carefully. Take your time. It will be time well spent.
As you read the question, look for clue words such as explain, discuss, and compare. These words have different meanings. They determine the approach you need to take to answering the question. Some students find it can help to rewrite the question in a way that makes sense to them.
Not sure what the difference is between the words discuss and explain?
Use effective study strategies, such as dual coding and active recall, to understand and remember the meaning of each clue word.
To sum up
No one expects you to be perfect at preparing for and sitting exams. Like any skill, this takes practise.
So, what areas could you strengthen? My advice is to focus on just one area.
If you need more sleep, then make getting to bed at a reasonable hour your top priority. If you want to start using more effective study strategies, spend 20 minutes creating a mind map or doing a past exam paper.
A few simple tweaks to your lifestyle and study habits can dramatically improve your ability to focus and learn, as well as how confident you feel walking into your exams.
I want you to consider that there are two versions of you: Present You and Future You.
Some of us have a tendency to ignore our Future Self, preferring to live for the moment.
But when it’s the night before an exam and you’re scrambling to revise, I’m guessing you probably wish you’d given more thought to your Future Self.
In short, if you want to live a calm life, you can’t go ignoring Future You.
In this article, I share how you can get more connected to your Future Self to combat procrastination.
The daily dilemma we all face
In every moment, we face choices such as these:
Do I watch YouTube or start studying for that upcoming test?
Do I eat a piece of cake or a piece of fruit?
Do I buy the new shirt or wear one I already own to save money?
Do I use ChatGPT or my brain?
In other words, do we choose the thing that gives us instant gratification, or do we choose the thing that will help us move towards our future goals?
When you choose instant gratification, you’re voting for Present You.
When you choose to delay gratification, you’re voting for Future You.
Just to be clear, it’s not always one or the other. Often you do things that benefit both Future You and Present You.
For instance, some people prepare healthy homecooked meals. This doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. The process can be enjoyable.
Some people also love the work they do, stating that the work feels more like play than a hard slog.
When we take both of these versions of ourselves into account (Present You and Future You), we are in a much better place, mentally and physically. It’s a win-win situation.
But often, these two versions of ourselves are not in perfect alignment. We wake up and find that we really don’t want to study for that upcoming exam. Or we feel a strong urge to buy that new shirt even though we have 20 perfectly good shirts in our closet.
How can we best prepare ourselves to navigate these tricky situations so we don’t completely abandon our Future Selves?
Enter letter writing.
Research shows the simple act of writing a letter to your Future Self can help you feel more connected to Future You. This in turn can help you make better decisions in the present.
When you get connected to your Future Self, studies have found you’re more likely to save money, do better academically, exercise, and consider future consequences. You’re also less likely to procrastinate with your study.
Rather than letting things pile up for your Future Self to deal with (cue panic and overwhelm), your Present Self gets on with them in a calm and grounded way.
The biggest mistake people make when writing to their Future Selves
There’s a popular website called Futureme.org that allows you to write letters to your Future Self.
Here’s how it works . . .
You write a letter on the website and then set the date you want to receive your letter. For a small fee, the letter is emailed to you on that date.
On this website, people can select to make their letters available to the public to read. It’s fascinating to get a glimpse into other people’s lives and what they desire for their Future Selves.
It also gives you a sense of where people go wrong when writing to their Future Self.
One thing I’ve noticed is people can fall into the trap of ‘magical thinking’. They imagine their Future Self being wildly successful while failing to consider what it will take to actually achieve that future.
In one letter, a person writes, “YOU BETTER BE A SUCCESS!!!!” (no pressure). This anonymous person talks about getting a job (and if not, getting a Sugar Daddy), traveling the world, and not doing drugs. It’s a good start, but it doesn’t go far enough.
It’s like a person creating a vision board with cut-out images of things they desire, and thinking that by sticking these images onto a piece of card, they are manifesting these things into existence.
This is magical thinking, and in times of uncertainty, magical thinking tends to go into overdrive.
It may seem like a bit of harmless daydreaming, but research shows this kind of thinking can be harmful to our growth and development.
In her book Rethinking Positive Thinking, Dr Gabriele Oettingen writes:
“…dreamers are not often doers. My research has confirmed that merely dreaming about the future makes people less likely to realize their dreams and wishes (as does dwelling on the obstacles in their path). There are multiple reasons why dreaming detached from an awareness of reality doesn’t cut it. The pleasurable act of dreaming seems to let us fulfil our wishes in our minds, sapping our energy to perform the hard work of meeting the challenges in real life.”
What’s missing from this picture is being grounded in reality.
Counteracting magical thinking
Science reveals a simple way to counteract this tendency to engage in magical thinking when writing a letter to Future You, and it’s simple:
Once you’ve written a letter to your Future Self, you must step into the shoes of Future you and draft a reply.
In other words, don’t let your Future Self ghost your Present Self.
This study found that the most effective way to get connected to your Future Self is a two-way letter exchange between Present You and Future You.
These researchers took a group of Japanese high school students and split them into two groups:
Group 1: Send only group – participants sent a letter to their Future Self
Group 2: Send and reply group – participants sent a letter to their Future Self and then stepped into the shoes of their Future Self and wrote a reply to their Present Self.
At one-month follow up, the students in group 2 who engaged in a back and forth exchange felt more connected to their Future Self than the students in group 1.
Group 2 also engaged in more intense career planning, and were better able to delay instant gratification when it came to their studies.
The researchers believed having to write a reply forced the students to engage in a practice called ‘mental contrasting’.
The students were able to dream big in their letters to their Future Selves, but the response letter grounded them in reality, shedding light on the obstacles and barriers that could prevent them from achieving their dreams.
When you step into the shoes of your Future Self and write a reply to your Present Self, it forces you to come up with a strategy on how to accomplish certain tasks and goals.
Tips for writing to and from your Future Self
Writing a letter to and from your Future self is easier than it sounds.
Here’s what I find helps:
1. Don’t time travel too far out into the future
It can be a little daunting to write to your Future Self and step into the shoes of Future You, especially when things are so uncertain and the world is changing so rapidly (e.g., generative AI).
As humans, we like certainty. But the reality is we really don’t know what’s coming next.
This is why I find it helps to focus on 3-6 month timeframes.
Why 3-6 months?
It’s far easier to imagine what you’ll be like in 3 months than 20 years. It’s less abstract.
Whereas when you think of your Future Self in 20 years or even 2 years, we tend to be overly optimistic (even slightly delusional) about what we’ll be like.
As humans, we like to think that in 3 years, we’ll be more confident, less stressed, more capable, and more on top of things.
What happens when we think of our Future Selves in this way is that we tend to offload things to them (“Oh, I’ll leave that problem for my Future Self to deal with!”). In other words, we procrastinate.
In contrast, I’m far less likely to mess around if I’m inflicting pain on my Future self in 3 months. I can see that if I don’t get started on projects, tomorrow I’m going to wake up and feel annoyed with myself. Why? Because I have less time to do what I need to do. I’m going to feel stressed.
2. Not sure what to write? Follow these simple prompts
Where do you start when it comes to this unique letter writing exchange?
If you feel stuck, here are some prompts to get you started with your letter to Future You:
Right now, here’s what’s been happening in my life . . .
A task I’ve been procrastinating on is . . .
An area I currently feel stuck is . . .
Here’s what I’m struggling with . . .
A goal I’m working on is . . .
My daily routine goes something like this . . .
Here’s a special message for you . . .
You can also ask your Future Self questions such as: What goals are you working on? and What does a typical day in your life look like?
3. Take a break between writing each letter
When you’ve finished writing your letter to your Future Self, give yourself a little break before you step into the shoes of your imagined Future Self to write a reply.
Go for a little walk, make yourself a nice drink, or do a short meditation. Do something to reset and re-energise your mind.
4. Stepping into the shoes of Future You
Once you’ve had a break, close your eyes and imagine stepping into the shoes of your future self. Imagine everything has gone according to plan. Imagine what your surroundings are like. Notice the way Future You feels.
Then reread your letter to your future self. After you’ve finished reading it, draft your reply.
Make sure you outline how you were able to achieve your goals (what steps did you take?). Remember, we want to get out of ‘magical thinking’ mode and get grounded in the reality of what the grimy work looks like.
5. Use your unique brain (not AI)
If you’re tempted to simulate a conversation with your Future Self using AI, think twice.
One study used AI to assist people with talking to their 60 year old Future Self.
When I viewed an example of a simulated conversation from this study, it felt a bit clichéd and soulless (see image below). I wasn’t surprised to read that the participants reported the chat interactions felt ‘artificial’.
But it was something in the Limitations & Ethics section of the paper that caught my eye. The researchers wrote:
“There are many potential misuses of AI-generated future selves to be mindful of, including but not limited to: inaccurate depiction of the future in a way that harmfully influences present behavior, endorsement of negative behaviors, and the potential of over-reliance on such systems to assist decision-making.”
Since this paper was published back in 2024, we’ve seen concerns about these misuses and more come true: ChatGPT convincing teens to harm themselves, AI psychosis, and people becoming overly reliant on AI to the point where they no longer trust their own judgement.
This is why I recommend steering clear of AI to get connected to your Future Self. Trust yourself to be able to do this. You know yourself better than an AI chatbot.
To sum up
Our current world is geared towards instant results and instant gratification. This can make it hard to make decisions in the present that benefit our future selves.
Research shows that a letter writing exchange between Present You and Future You is more effective than writing just a letter to Future You (with no reply).
I invite you to set aside 30 minutes to write these letters. Ideally, get away from screens and chatbots, and use your brain and hands to do this (trust me, it will feel nicer and more wholesome).
If you can stay grounded in reality, writing to and from your Future Self can be a simple practice to help you combat procrastination and do the things that are most important to you.
I used to live with this nagging feeling that I wasn’t quite enough.
Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not successful enough.
This feeling of inadequacy drove me to work in unsustainable and unhealthy ways. I felt desperate to make something of myself in this world.
It took doing a PhD to make me realise why I felt this way and learn how to escape the trap of workaholism and materialism.
Now I can say that I feel satisfied with myself and my lot in life. I am enough. I have enough. I feel successful according to my own definition and metrics of success.
In this article, I share a cautionary tale and a radical approach that can help you feel successful just as you are.
A cautionary tale: Selling the dream of success
When I was a university student, my good friend became a rep for a multi-level marketing company.
This gave me a glimpse into a world of people at a whole other level of desperation to become “successful” according to Capitalism’s definition of success (i.e., having lots of money and material goods).
As a poor law student, I was invited to several multi-level marketing ‘parties’. The aim of these parties was to get you to buy the products (e.g., makeup, skin creams, and vitamin supplements).
There were also more hardcore gatherings that focused on signing you up to become a rep for the multi-level marketing company, so you’d recruit more people to the scheme and sell more products.
A rep high up in the multi-level marketing company would facilitate these recruitment drives in the comfort of my friend’s family home.
The reps were always impeccably dressed as they sold a grandiose vision of being a sales rep (e.g., international travel, limousine rides, and a life of leisure).
The underlying message being peddled was:
“If you join us, you’ll be making money in your sleep!”
It sounded too good to be true. And that’s because it was.
This particular multi-level marketing company encouraged the reps to engage in personal development through reading.
My friend’s reading list included titles such as Reject Me – I Love It!, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Taped to the walls of her family’s home were cut-out pictures from magazines of luxury cars, cruise ships, and attractive women dressed in stylish clothes. Smack bang in the centre of the wall was a massive hand-drawn picture of a diamond.
When I asked why these images were on the walls, I was told they were reminders of why they were working so hard. The walls were like a massive vision board for the family. These images represented what a “successful” life looked like.
These images made me feel sad and uneasy, because in my eyes, my friend had already achieved so much in her life. She was already successful.
It was even more unsettling when the selling of products moved beyond the multi-level marketing parties and into informal social gatherings.
One social gathering I will never forget. It haunts me to this day.
For some context, I was in my early twenties, and I felt quite insecure about my appearance. Like most young people, I was still figuring out who I was, and what I wanted to do with my life.
So when my friend casually pointed out after a meal that I had bad acne, but she had a skin cream she could sell me, this left me feeling hurt and confused.
I was in a difficult position: did I purchase the expensive skin cream to maintain our relationship? Or did I say no to buying the skin cream, embrace my acne, and potentially hurt my friend’s feelings in the process?
It was a difficult and messy situation I wouldn’t wish on any young person.
My younger self didn’t have the skills or tact to handle this situation with the care it needed, and sadly, our friendship didn’t survive.
Fast forward to today…
I understand why my younger self felt so confused during this period. I can clearly see the lies the multi-level marketing company pushed.
Before I go any further, I want to be clear that my friend and her family, who were reps for this multi-level marketing company, had no malicious intent.
They were good people who were desperate to make a better life for themselves. They were victims of a predatory corporate structure that peddled a bunch of lies to hook people in.
One of the big lies that this multi-level marketing company pushed was the idea that ‘You’re not enough’.
Another big lie was that to be happy and successful, you need a flash car, a fancy house, and lots of money. Oh, and don’t forget the expensive skin creams.
If you don’t have those things, you’re a loser. So, you better hop to it and start selling products and recruiting reps!
Of course, this isn’t just the world of multi-level marketing companies. This is the dominant message of mainstream consumer culture and advertising.
In our lives, we may not be selling skin creams and vitamins for a multi-level marketing company, but we are trading our time and life energy for money. Money that can buy us stuff that advertisers convince us we need.
Here’s the thing you need to understand about advertising…
Ads don’t just sell us products. They sell us particular ideas of success. They tell us what we should value and what is normal. They tell us how we should live our lives.
In the world of advertising:
Stuff = Happiness = Success
But we should pause and question these ideas. Why? Because the research paints a very different picture of what brings us happiness and fulfilment (Spoiler alert: it’s not more stuff).
The high price of materialism
The pictures of luxury goods that were taped to the walls of my friend’s home illustrated what all of us are told to value.
We live in a consumeristic and capitalist culture that celebrates materialistic values. This set of values focuses on extrinsic pursuits such as striving to obtain money, possessions, and an attractive appearance.
Living in this culture, it’s extremely difficult to not internalise these values.
However, research shows that being highly oriented towards materialistic values is harmful to psychological health and personal wellbeing.
Why would it be that pursuing diamonds, nice clothes, and social status fails to make us happy?
In his book The High Price of Materialism, Social Psychologist Dr Tim Kasser argues that our wellbeing comes from satisfying our core psychological needs (i.e., needs for security, competence, and connections to others) and orienting one’s life around materialistic pursuits is a poor way to get these needs met.
Other research has found that once our basic to moderate needs are met, more stuff doesn’t bring us additional happiness.
Evidence for this is all around us. Just look at Billionaires like Elon Musk, Donald Trump, and Sam Altman. Do these people look happy to you?
The people above look restless and miserable, except for Australian gardening show host, Costa Georgiadis (Note: he is not a billionaire and I can’t imagine he’s aspiring to become one).
Others have argued that the reason wealthy people can have so much but still not be happy is because their expectations keep rising. In other words, the more you have, the more you want more.
This is why the author of the book The Psychology of Money, Morgan Housel, argues that the most valuable financial skill you can have is not budgeting but not having to impress other people.
That’s right. Not having to impress other people is the most valuable financial skill you can cultivate.
If you can determine what success means to you, then you free yourself of the trap of trying to get other people’s attention by acquiring more and more fancy stuff.
Not feeling the need to impress other people is a goal well worth pursuing, especially when you realise that no one cares about your house, car and stuff as much as you do.
Defining success on your own terms
I want to invite you to join me in a world where I’m enough, and you’re enough.
In this world, if you do the work, you can feel successful, just as you are, today.
You don’t have to wait until you reach the top spot in your class, school, sport, or company. You don’t even need a lot of money or stylish clothes.
How can we feel successful just as we are, with all our imperfections?
In his excellent book Where the Light Gets In, mindset coach Ben Crowe says the secret is to live in alignment with your values and create your own metrics for success.
He believes that if you live in alignment with your values, you are successful. Simple as that.
Instead of plastering your walls with images of all the material items you dream of having, Crowe encourages us to develop a ‘Success list’. The question to ask yourself is,
“How do I know when I’m being successful?”
Before you can answer this, you need to get clear on what you value (i.e., what’s most important to you).
For me, I value my freedom, health, growth and learning, relationships, and community.
With these values in mind, I know I’m being successful when:
- I wake up and exercise for an hour before doing any work.
- I prepare healthy home-cooked meals for my family.
- I am walking and working at my treadmill desk.
- I get up after sitting in a chair every 20-30 minutes and move my body for 5 minutes.
- I make time to catch up with my friends and family.
- I get to decide what I do with my day (I’m my own boss).
- I’m attending community events and speaking up on the issues I care about.
- I spend my mornings writing about ideas that are important to me.
- I am creating mind maps on books I read.
Crowe describes what he believes to be a ‘successful life’. He writes:
“It’s a world full of relationships, experiences and memories. A world of confidence and happiness. Most importantly, it’s a world where we determine what success means for ourselves, not by anyone else’s measure. And finally, it’s where success can be in the present moment, not in some future state we may never arrive at.”
Instead of focusing on what you want to have, your focus is on how you want to be and the behaviours you need to engage in to be that person.
Final thoughts
I’m not sure if my friend ever made it to the top tiers of the multi-level marketing company, but if she did, I know the feeling of satisfaction or happiness wouldn’t have lasted long.
I once heard Hollywood Psychotherapist Phil Stutz say in an interview, “You’ll never be satisfied in our [Capitalist] culture”.
Just as a multi-level marketing company is set up to make those at the bottom feel desperate to achieve more, consumer culture is designed so most of us never feel satisfied with what we have.
The only path to happiness and fulfilment is to create our own metrics for success; otherwise we will constantly want more because of the powerful influence of advertising.
In the fictional book Alan Opts Out, advertising executive Alan thinks to himself:
“What was an ad man, really, but a homegrown terrorist, convincing people that their lives were not worth living unless they bought new stuff?”
This same advertising executive comes to the conclusion that “you can get by with less than what you have” and that most of us would be happier if we did.
When you feel like you’re enough, you feel happy with yourself and your lot in life. You’re more at ease with yourself. You still want to get out of bed and do stuff, but that desperate energy to get more and be more doesn’t surge through your body.
There’s no need to wait until you get a great job, reach a certain number of subscribers, or earn a PhD to feel successful. Create your ‘Success list’ and start feeling successful today.