We can get by doing the bare minimum.
Read over your notes a few times.
Highlight a few things.
We’re good to go for the test!
So when this approach no longer works in upper school, many students are confused.
It’s a massive shock to their system.
But there is a fundamental difference between upper school and your previous years of schooling. And it’s this …
Because if everything was easy, your brain wouldn’t grow. It simply wouldn’t develop in the ways it needs to be healthy and strong.
But here’s the interesting thing about your brain . . .
Your brain loves comfort and success. It rewards you when you do things that you’re good at (rather than the things you suck at).
But neurologists Doctors Dean and Ayesha Sherzai state your brain needs to be challenged daily. It needs to do things that make it feel uncomfortable (this prevents cognitive decline).
Learning challenging content is just what your brain needs. But with challenging content comes some discomfort and confusion.
Learning a new concept may require engaging in several of the following actions:
• Reading your textbook;
• Watching a video on YouTube of an expert explaining the concept;
• Going for a walk to let the ideas simmer away (i.e. diffuse mode thinking);
• Reading a simplified explanation on Ducksters;
• Explaining the concept to a friend,your dog and/or the wall;
• Asking the teacher or tutor questions to clarify; and
• Practising doing some past exams and testing yourself with some flash cards (i.e. retrieval practice).
You have a breakthrough moment. Suddenly, after all that mental wrestling, you reach a critical threshold. Finally, things start to make sense.
As you go about your studies, you’ll enter what author James Clear calls “the valley of disappointment”.
James Clear states:
“We often expect progress to be linear. At the very least, we hope it will come quickly. In reality, the results of our efforts are often delayed. It is not until months or years later that we realize the true value of the previous work we have done. This can result in a “valley of disappointment” where people feel discouraged after putting in weeks or months of hard work without experiencing any results. However, this work was not wasted. It was simply being stored. It is not until much later that the full value of previous efforts is revealed.”
When you’re struggling with a new concept, don’t see this as a waste of time. You’re just passing through the valley of disappointment. If you keep at it (one step at a time), you’ll arrive at a breakthrough.
Well, yes. It is. But that’s how the process goes. It takes time. It takes effort.
You just need to take things one step at a time. Set the bar at a reasonable level. Focus on the process (don’t worry about your results). Because a breakthrough moment is coming.
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Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not successful enough.
This feeling of inadequacy drove me to work in unsustainable and unhealthy ways. I felt desperate to make something of myself in this world.
It took doing a PhD to make me realise why I felt this way and learn how to escape the trap of workaholism and materialism.
Now I can say that I feel satisfied with myself and my lot in life. I am enough. I have enough. I feel successful according to my own definition and metrics of success.
In this article, I share a cautionary tale and a radical approach that can help you feel successful just as you are.
When I was a university student, my good friend became a rep for a multi-level marketing company.
This gave me a glimpse into a world of people at a whole other level of desperation to become “successful” according to Capitalism’s definition of success (i.e., having lots of money and material goods).
As a poor law student, I was invited to several multi-level marketing ‘parties’. The aim of these parties was to get you to buy the products (e.g., makeup, skin creams, and vitamin supplements).
There were also more hardcore gatherings that focused on signing you up to become a rep for the multi-level marketing company, so you’d recruit more people to the scheme and sell more products.
A rep high up in the multi-level marketing company would facilitate these recruitment drives in the comfort of my friend’s family home.
The reps were always impeccably dressed as they sold a grandiose vision of being a sales rep (e.g., international travel, limousine rides, and a life of leisure).
The underlying message being peddled was:
“If you join us, you’ll be making money in your sleep!”
It sounded too good to be true. And that’s because it was.
This particular multi-level marketing company encouraged the reps to engage in personal development through reading.
My friend’s reading list included titles such as Reject Me – I Love It!, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Taped to the walls of her family’s home were cut-out pictures from magazines of luxury cars, cruise ships, and attractive women dressed in stylish clothes. Smack bang in the centre of the wall was a massive hand-drawn picture of a diamond.
When I asked why these images were on the walls, I was told they were reminders of why they were working so hard. The walls were like a massive vision board for the family. These images represented what a “successful” life looked like.
These images made me feel sad and uneasy, because in my eyes, my friend had already achieved so much in her life. She was already successful.
It was even more unsettling when the selling of products moved beyond the multi-level marketing parties and into informal social gatherings.
One social gathering I will never forget. It haunts me to this day.
For some context, I was in my early twenties, and I felt quite insecure about my appearance. Like most young people, I was still figuring out who I was, and what I wanted to do with my life.
So when my friend casually pointed out after a meal that I had bad acne, but she had a skin cream she could sell me, this left me feeling hurt and confused.
I was in a difficult position: did I purchase the expensive skin cream to maintain our relationship? Or did I say no to buying the skin cream, embrace my acne, and potentially hurt my friend’s feelings in the process?
It was a difficult and messy situation I wouldn’t wish on any young person.
My younger self didn’t have the skills or tact to handle this situation with the care it needed, and sadly, our friendship didn’t survive.
I understand why my younger self felt so confused during this period. I can clearly see the lies the multi-level marketing company pushed.
Before I go any further, I want to be clear that my friend and her family, who were reps for this multi-level marketing company, had no malicious intent.
They were good people who were desperate to make a better life for themselves. They were victims of a predatory corporate structure that peddled a bunch of lies to hook people in.
One of the big lies that this multi-level marketing company pushed was the idea that ‘You’re not enough’.
Another big lie was that to be happy and successful, you need a flash car, a fancy house, and lots of money. Oh, and don’t forget the expensive skin creams.
If you don’t have those things, you’re a loser. So, you better hop to it and start selling products and recruiting reps!
Of course, this isn’t just the world of multi-level marketing companies. This is the dominant message of mainstream consumer culture and advertising.
In our lives, we may not be selling skin creams and vitamins for a multi-level marketing company, but we are trading our time and life energy for money. Money that can buy us stuff that advertisers convince us we need.
Ads don’t just sell us products. They sell us particular ideas of success. They tell us what we should value and what is normal. They tell us how we should live our lives.
In the world of advertising:
But we should pause and question these ideas. Why? Because the research paints a very different picture of what brings us happiness and fulfilment (Spoiler alert: it’s not more stuff).
The pictures of luxury goods that were taped to the walls of my friend’s home illustrated what all of us are told to value.
We live in a consumeristic and capitalist culture that celebrates materialistic values. This set of values focuses on extrinsic pursuits such as striving to obtain money, possessions, and an attractive appearance.
Living in this culture, it’s extremely difficult to not internalise these values.
However, research shows that being highly oriented towards materialistic values is harmful to psychological health and personal wellbeing.
Why would it be that pursuing diamonds, nice clothes, and social status fails to make us happy?
In his book The High Price of Materialism, Social Psychologist Dr Tim Kasser argues that our wellbeing comes from satisfying our core psychological needs (i.e., needs for security, competence, and connections to others) and orienting one’s life around materialistic pursuits is a poor way to get these needs met.
Other research has found that once our basic to moderate needs are met, more stuff doesn’t bring us additional happiness.
Evidence for this is all around us. Just look at Billionaires like Elon Musk, Donald Trump, and Sam Altman. Do these people look happy to you?
The people above look restless and miserable, except for Australian gardening show host, Costa Georgiadis (Note: he is not a billionaire and I can’t imagine he’s aspiring to become one).
Others have argued that the reason wealthy people can have so much but still not be happy is because their expectations keep rising. In other words, the more you have, the more you want more.
This is why the author of the book The Psychology of Money, Morgan Housel, argues that the most valuable financial skill you can have is not budgeting but not having to impress other people.
That’s right. Not having to impress other people is the most valuable financial skill you can cultivate.
If you can determine what success means to you, then you free yourself of the trap of trying to get other people’s attention by acquiring more and more fancy stuff.
Not feeling the need to impress other people is a goal well worth pursuing, especially when you realise that no one cares about your house, car and stuff as much as you do.
I want to invite you to join me in a world where I’m enough, and you’re enough.
In this world, if you do the work, you can feel successful, just as you are, today.
You don’t have to wait until you reach the top spot in your class, school, sport, or company. You don’t even need a lot of money or stylish clothes.
How can we feel successful just as we are, with all our imperfections?
In his excellent book Where the Light Gets In, mindset coach Ben Crowe says the secret is to live in alignment with your values and create your own metrics for success.
He believes that if you live in alignment with your values, you are successful. Simple as that.
Instead of plastering your walls with images of all the material items you dream of having, Crowe encourages us to develop a ‘Success list’. The question to ask yourself is,
Before you can answer this, you need to get clear on what you value (i.e., what’s most important to you).
For me, I value my freedom, health, growth and learning, relationships, and community.
With these values in mind, I know I’m being successful when:
Crowe describes what he believes to be a ‘successful life’. He writes:
“It’s a world full of relationships, experiences and memories. A world of confidence and happiness. Most importantly, it’s a world where we determine what success means for ourselves, not by anyone else’s measure. And finally, it’s where success can be in the present moment, not in some future state we may never arrive at.”
Instead of focusing on what you want to have, your focus is on how you want to be and the behaviours you need to engage in to be that person.
I’m not sure if my friend ever made it to the top tiers of the multi-level marketing company, but if she did, I know the feeling of satisfaction or happiness wouldn’t have lasted long.
I once heard Hollywood Psychotherapist Phil Stutz say in an interview, “You’ll never be satisfied in our [Capitalist] culture”.
Just as a multi-level marketing company is set up to make those at the bottom feel desperate to achieve more, consumer culture is designed so most of us never feel satisfied with what we have.
The only path to happiness and fulfilment is to create our own metrics for success; otherwise we will constantly want more because of the powerful influence of advertising.
In the fictional book Alan Opts Out, advertising executive Alan thinks to himself:
“What was an ad man, really, but a homegrown terrorist, convincing people that their lives were not worth living unless they bought new stuff?”
This same advertising executive comes to the conclusion that “you can get by with less than what you have” and that most of us would be happier if we did.
When you feel like you’re enough, you feel happy with yourself and your lot in life. You’re more at ease with yourself. You still want to get out of bed and do stuff, but that desperate energy to get more and be more doesn’t surge through your body.
There’s no need to wait until you get a great job, reach a certain number of subscribers, or earn a PhD to feel successful. Create your ‘Success list’ and start feeling successful today.
Every holiday, I tend to pack either too much or too little.
At the start of the Easter long weekend, I was overwhelmed by the task of packing for a four-day trip.
To be fair, other things were on my mind, such as the chaotic state of the world and the chaos within my home (i.e., the mess I would be returning to).
I know what you might be thinking…
“Stop your whinging, Jane. What a privilege to be able to pack your bag to go away!”
Indeed, it is! An absolute privilege.
Yet, rather than experiencing gratitude, anxious thoughts swirled through my mind.
“Have I packed enough socks and undies?”
“Do I have enough food to avoid going into the crowded shops?”
“Will the traffic be bad?”
“Will my husband insist on getting hot chips at the Service Station?”
“What books should I take?”
Among these packing questions, one stood out: what books should I take? This question weighed heavily on my mind and here’s why.
When it comes to packing books, I tend to go overboard.
I overestimate how much I can read in a single weekend. I’ll weigh down my backpack with several heavy books, only to find that I don’t end up reading any of them. Ugh.
You’d think more books equal more reading. Wrong.
More books mean more choice. And more choice usually results in decision fatigue and overwhelm.
Determined to change my usual approach this holiday, I told myself it was time to be in reality. I gave myself strict orders: I could only pack what I could realistically read in the time I would be away. That was one book.
Fifteen minutes before I was due to set off, I selected this book: Reasons not to worry – How to be stoic in chaotic times by Brigid Delaney.
I’d purchased this book several years ago, and for whatever reason, I stopped reading it after just 20 pages. I wasn’t ready for it. And when it comes to reading certain books, it’s all about timing. Every book has its time.
Now, I was finally ready to listen to what these Stoic philosophers had to say about living well in times of chaos.
We are living in unstable times. I don’t need to lay out what’s going on. You’ve seen the headlines.
It’s easy to feel powerless and unsure about what to do.
Where should you focus your limited time and energy during chaotic times? How can you focus and study for an exam when the future feels uncertain?
This is why I felt open to wisdom of the ancient Stoics. The Stoics, such as Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius, had many great ideas for dealing with the challenges of everyday life and for facing life’s disappointments with grace. This is what I desperately needed!
On my trip, I read most of Reasons not to worry—a breakthrough in itself! Even more powerful, however, were the book’s ideas, which left me feeling calmer.
In this blog, I want to share the most powerful idea I learnt from the Stoics: the control test—a tool that helps you focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.
The Stoics believed the secret to happiness and tranquillity was to focus on the things you can control and not worry about the rest. As Bridget Delaney writes in Reasons not to worry:
“The step the Stoics took first, before taking action, was to run everything through a basic test. Called the ‘control test’ or the Dichotomy of Control, the Stoics assessed what they could and could not control about a situation, and focused their attention on areas they could control.”
Delaney provides the following useful image to illustrate the control test.
This image shows that you have full control over three things: 1) your character; 2) your reactions; and 3) how you treat others.
If something relates to one of these three things, it’s within your control and you can take action.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus was a strong proponent of the control test. He believed knowing what you can control and what you can’t was the key to living a tranquil life. In his manual The Art of Living, he lays out what’s within our personal control:
“Within our control are our opinions, aspirations, desires, and the things that repel us. These areas are quite rightly our concern, because they are directly subject to our influence. We always have a choice about the content and character of our inner lives.”
In contrast, what other people think and do is out of our control. Epictetus believed that if we focus on trying to control or change these things, we will torment ourselves and waste our precious time and energy.
Thinking back to the start of the Easter long weekend, I can see that if I had run my anxious thoughts through the control test, I would have felt a lot more relaxed.
Instead of telling myself, “You’re so bad at packing!”, I could have viewed packing as a skill, as something I could work at becoming better at.
For my next trip, I could make a packing list. I could also start packing my bag the night before or even two nights before. Those things are within my control.
It’s also within my control to lower my expectations about packing. Is it really the end of the world if I don’t pack enough socks and undies? Couldn’t I just wash them if I run out?
As for concerns about the traffic being bad, this is out of my control! I can’t control how many cars are on the road or how fast they’re going. However, what I can control is my own driving ability (e.g., sticking strictly to the speed limit and taking regular breaks to recharge).
What about my husband buying overpriced hot chips at the Service Station? It is within my control to encourage him to buy a healthier snack, but ultimately, it’s my husband’s choice. If he wants hot chips, I can’t stop him. But it is within my control not to eat those hot chips.
Since reading Reasons not to worry, I’ve been applying the control test to my life several times a day. When I notice I’m feeling worried, upset, or unhappy about something, I ask myself, “Is this within my control?”
This simple practice has helped me to chill out, conserve my energy, and be less of a control freak. As a result, I feel better, and so does the rest of my family.
As Delaney writes:
“Used well, the control test will change how you use your energy and where you place your care and attention. Your energy should be focused on the first part of the equation: doing the thing well. And you should not direct any energy or worry to things out of your control, such as the outcome or people’s response to what you do, because that is wasted energy. You will only end up with your tranquillity disturbed”.
The control test can help us prepare effectively for tests and exams. You can’t control the way your grades are scaled, the exact questions you’ll be asked on the exam, what your exam timetable will look like, or if you’ll have back-to-back exams. Those things are externals, so the Stoics would say don’t waste your energy worrying about them.
But what you can control is how much you prepare for your exams, how much study you do, how much sleep you get, the strategies you use to learn the information, whether you refer to the syllabus, and how focused you are as you study.
How you prepare is within your control. And the more prepared you are, the better you will do in your exams.
Does the Control Test mean you shouldn’t try to help others in your community or push for environmental, social, or political change?
Not at all.
Delaney writes:
“. . . Stoics were not passive people. Historically they were people of action: political leaders, emperors and soldiers. But they knew that even if they trained hard, acted with integrity, built alliances and put in a lot of effort, they couldn’t control the outcome. They could only control their own character, own actions (and reactions) and how they treated others.”
The control test can help you to stop stressing about things that are out of your control and worrying about what other people think. In the spirit of the Stoics, focus your energy on doing your best work, being the best version of yourself, and treating people with kindness.
I experienced this firsthand when I was an exchange student living abroad. When I was 16, I travelled to the south of Italy to live in a small village called Spinazzola.
This had been my dream, and my parents forked out over $2,000 to make it come true (thanks, Mum and Dad!).,
I wanted to make the most of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I set off with an ambitious goal to come back fluent in Italian.
Before I left for Italy, several people had told me that I would pick up the language “just like that!”. I was told that I’d be fluent in no time.
I took their words as gospel truth.
So I became concerned when, after just a few days in Italy, I wasn’t speaking like the locals. I thought, “Why am I not fluent in Italian by now? What’s going on? Is something wrong with me?”
Panic and worry set in. I became stuck in an anxiety loop. Thoughts rolled through my head, such as:
“Am I learning the language fast enough?”
“Am I going to come back knowing enough?”
“How will I compare to the other Australian exchange students? What if my Italian sucks?”
This anxiety spilled over into almost every amazing experience I found myself in: a trip to the local pizzeria with my new friends from school, family dinners, and day trips with other exchange students.
To counteract my fears, I doubled down on my study, carrying a mini pocket Italian dictionary with me everywhere I went (this was well before mobile phones and Google Translate existed).
About a month into my student exchange experience, out of the blue, a young man snatched the pocket dictionary out of my hands.
This man was called Gianluca. He was my host sister’s 18-year-old cousin who had travelled with his parents from Milan to spend Christmas with my host family.
Gianluca was a character. He had wild, voluminous curly hair, a cheeky smile, and a sense of style.
Gianluca was also a slightly arrogant man. He would say whatever was on his mind, seemingly without caring if he upset or offended others.
For example, one of my first interactions with Gianluca was when I sat down on a stool, thereby exposing my white socks. He gasped loudly and said in Italian:
“Jane Christine, white socks with black shoes is a fashion crime! No, No, No!”
I took his words very seriously and have never repeated this fashion faux pas.
But it was the moment when Gianluca snatched the dictionary out of my hands that I remember more than anything else. This moment had a profound impact on the rest of my exchange experience, and I am deeply grateful to him for that.
It was late in the evening. A group of us had been talking and playing Italian card games. Remember, these were simpler times (there were very few mobile phones back in those days and no social media).
I was struggling to follow the conversation in Italian, so I picked up my dictionary to look up a word, but Gianluca stopped me. He grabbed hold of the dictionary and said:
“Put the dictionary down. You don’t need this! Just be here in this moment!”
Gianluca was trying to tell me to relax. To stop hiding behind my dictionary. To stop trying so hard to learn Italian.
He was right. Sometimes, when you try too hard and are too fixated on achieving a future goal, it can get in the way of actually doing what you need to do (in my case, learning Italian).
Oliver Burkeman writes about this in his book Meditations for Mortals. He argues that there are benefits in not trying so hard. He writes:
“The less I’m trying to get something out of an experience, the more I find I can get into it, and the more I can be present for other people involved.”
Those first few weeks in Italy, I had been trying too hard to master the language and get the most out of my student exchange experience. I was trying to frantically get to a place where I could tick the ‘Fluent in Italian’ box.
I can now see clearly that by trying so hard to learn Italian, I was sacrificing my enjoyment in the present moment. I was also undermining my ability to learn Italian.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “La Dolce Vita”. This directly translates to “The Sweet Life”.
But what it means is a relaxed, easy-going approach to life. An approach where you enjoy the simple things: a hearty, simple meal shared with your family, a reviving nap in the middle of the day, and an evening stroll (‘passeggiatta’) down the main street with friends.
Whenever I picked up my dictionary, which was frequently during those first few weeks in Italy, I embodied the polar opposite of “La Dolce Vita”. I transformed a potentially fun, rich moment into an anxiety-fuelled study session.
I also took myself out of the present moment. And effective learning (and living) is all about being present.
Gianluca’s words – “Put the dictionary down!” – hit home. That evening, I put my pocket dictionary away and gave up on trying to master Italian in a day. I took the pressure off myself and relaxed into the experience.
Soon after, I asked my host mother Rosa if I could join a local exercise class. I knew that movement always made me feel better. It relaxed me. I was so happy when Mamma Rosa agreed.
At this class, I’d slip on some special socks over my shoes and slide from side to side on a slippery mat (a slide board).
I took this crazy exercise class with a bunch of middle-aged Italian women wearing spandex and leg warmers (it was Winter). Occasionally, someone would lose control on their slide board and fall to the ground.
For 60 minutes, I was able to get out of my head and get grounded in my body. This exercise class, as strange as it was, made all the difference. It relieved my anxiety and fears straightaway. It calmed my mind and made me feel like I was doing okay.
Ironically, once I felt calmer and less pressured to ‘learn Italian’, I started to pick things up. Learning the language became easier and easier. It didn’t happen in an instant. But it was happening. Slowly but surely, my language skills improved.
When I came back to Australia, I hadn’t mastered Italian (can you ever really master anything?), but I could hold a solid conversation with my nonna in Australia.
The whole student exchange experience fundamentally changed me. I learnt so much more than just Italian.
I learnt the power of a good nap after lunch (strictly enforced by my host mother), the importance of connection and community, and that if you’re having pasta, you must mop up the last bit of sauce with some bread (this Italian tradition is called ‘scarpetta’).
But I also learned not to try so hard. Instead of rushing to get to a specific destination, it’s okay to just explore, learn, and grow at your own pace.
“Mappa ferr Spinazzola-Barletta” (Used in Image 1) by Arbalete is licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0
