A few months ago, she casually mentioned that cottage cheese and pistachio nut butter were trending.
“How do you know this?” I asked.
“My company hired a new digital media strategist and that’s what she told us . . . I’m off to buy pistachio nuts!” she said.
For a brief moment, I felt a pang of FOMO (Fear of missing out).
My tranquillity was disturbed.
But I steadied myself. I took a moment to pause and reflect on what I’d just heard.
“Cottage cheese and pistachio nut butter are trending.”
I had a moment of clarity, and my brain screamed, “Who really cares?!”
Was it a problem that I didn’t know about these viral trends?
Of course not!
Up until this point, my life had been perfectly fine without cottage cheese and pistachio nut butter.
But I was grateful to have had this conversation because it got me thinking about the impact of viral trends.
A lot of what you see trending online and in the mainstream media is mindless pap. It’s influencers and advertisers trying to sell us things we don’t need to impress people we don’t even like. It’s a lot of noise and distraction that doesn’t add much (if any) richness, value, or meaning to our lives.
These trends can distract us from what’s truly important and even diminish our lives in the process.
If you’re thinking, “Whoa! But it’s just cottage cheese, Jane! Chill out!”, please remember that not all trends are as harmless as a tub of cottage cheese.
Some trends can evolve into hugely profitable industries that shape the worldview and behaviour of millions of people. Take smoking, toxic masculinity (i.e. the manosphere), and extreme dieting, for example.
Worst of all, it’s super easy to get caught up in trends, especially when you’re young and impressionable. Often, we don’t even realise we’ve been swept up in a trend.
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve purchased my fair share of gimmicky products over the years and gone down some unhelpful paths. For instance, when I was 18, while participating in a free meditation course, I followed a spiritual guru for a short time before realising it was not the path for me.
Thinking about fads, trends, and gurus reminded me of what Stoic philosopher Epictetus said:
“Become your own soul’s doctor”
What did he mean by this?
Epictetus was telling people to quit chasing after gurus and the latest trends.
In his book The Art of Living, Epictetus wrote:
“The latest fashionable sage or book or diet or belief doesn’t move you in the direction of a flourishing life. You do.”
It’s time to take back your control. Instead of looking outside yourself for answers, look inward.
Stop following social media influencers and looking at their bland content (unfollow them). Block online ads (install an ad blocker plugin). Stop reading junk mail catalogues that stir up your consumptive desires (Put a No Junk Mail sticker on your letterbox).
In other words, dial down the noise and start tuning in to yourself.
What is it that you really want or need?
Once your basic needs are met, what you really need is very rarely something you can buy online or at the shops.
For me, when I’m feeling a bit down, I often just need a glass of water, an apple, some time outdoors, a little movement, a nap, or a chat with a friend to perk myself up.
What do all of these things have in common?
They are free or cost very little.
We know these things are inherently good for us. They may just not seem as interesting or exciting to our brains, which crave distraction and novelty.
Influencers and advertisers can’t make money off peddling drinking water (unless it’s bottled), going outdoors (unless it’s a commodified experience), or spending time with a friend.
But they can make money from peddling products!
Don’t get sucked in. Take control: The next time you feel tempted by a viral trend or product, pause and ask yourself if it truly adds value to your life. Reflect before you spend your money —become your own soul’s doctor.
When you become your own soul’s doctor, you know deep in your bones that you don’t need the rubbish that is constantly being marketed to you. You know that you are enough just as you are.
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Every holiday, I tend to pack either too much or too little.
At the start of the Easter long weekend, I was overwhelmed by the task of packing for a four-day trip.
To be fair, other things were on my mind, such as the chaotic state of the world and the chaos within my home (i.e., the mess I would be returning to).
I know what you might be thinking…
“Stop your whinging, Jane. What a privilege to be able to pack your bag to go away!”
Indeed, it is! An absolute privilege.
Yet, rather than experiencing gratitude, anxious thoughts swirled through my mind.
“Have I packed enough socks and undies?”
“Do I have enough food to avoid going into the crowded shops?”
“Will the traffic be bad?”
“Will my husband insist on getting hot chips at the Service Station?”
“What books should I take?”
Among these packing questions, one stood out: what books should I take? This question weighed heavily on my mind and here’s why.
When it comes to packing books, I tend to go overboard.
I overestimate how much I can read in a single weekend. I’ll weigh down my backpack with several heavy books, only to find that I don’t end up reading any of them. Ugh.
You’d think more books equal more reading. Wrong.
More books mean more choice. And more choice usually results in decision fatigue and overwhelm.
Determined to change my usual approach this holiday, I told myself it was time to be in reality. I gave myself strict orders: I could only pack what I could realistically read in the time I would be away. That was one book.
Fifteen minutes before I was due to set off, I selected this book: Reasons not to worry – How to be stoic in chaotic times by Brigid Delaney.
I’d purchased this book several years ago, and for whatever reason, I stopped reading it after just 20 pages. I wasn’t ready for it. And when it comes to reading certain books, it’s all about timing. Every book has its time.
Now, I was finally ready to listen to what these Stoic philosophers had to say about living well in times of chaos.
We are living in unstable times. I don’t need to lay out what’s going on. You’ve seen the headlines.
It’s easy to feel powerless and unsure about what to do.
Where should you focus your limited time and energy during chaotic times? How can you focus and study for an exam when the future feels uncertain?
This is why I felt open to wisdom of the ancient Stoics. The Stoics, such as Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius, had many great ideas for dealing with the challenges of everyday life and for facing life’s disappointments with grace. This is what I desperately needed!
On my trip, I read most of Reasons not to worry—a breakthrough in itself! Even more powerful, however, were the book’s ideas, which left me feeling calmer.
In this blog, I want to share the most powerful idea I learnt from the Stoics: the control test—a tool that helps you focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t.
The Stoics believed the secret to happiness and tranquillity was to focus on the things you can control and not worry about the rest. As Bridget Delaney writes in Reasons not to worry:
“The step the Stoics took first, before taking action, was to run everything through a basic test. Called the ‘control test’ or the Dichotomy of Control, the Stoics assessed what they could and could not control about a situation, and focused their attention on areas they could control.”
Delaney provides the following useful image to illustrate the control test.
This image shows that you have full control over three things: 1) your character; 2) your reactions; and 3) how you treat others.
If something relates to one of these three things, it’s within your control and you can take action.
Stoic philosopher Epictetus was a strong proponent of the control test. He believed knowing what you can control and what you can’t was the key to living a tranquil life. In his manual The Art of Living, he lays out what’s within our personal control:
“Within our control are our opinions, aspirations, desires, and the things that repel us. These areas are quite rightly our concern, because they are directly subject to our influence. We always have a choice about the content and character of our inner lives.”
In contrast, what other people think and do is out of our control. Epictetus believed that if we focus on trying to control or change these things, we will torment ourselves and waste our precious time and energy.
Thinking back to the start of the Easter long weekend, I can see that if I had run my anxious thoughts through the control test, I would have felt a lot more relaxed.
Instead of telling myself, “You’re so bad at packing!”, I could have viewed packing as a skill, as something I could work at becoming better at.
For my next trip, I could make a packing list. I could also start packing my bag the night before or even two nights before. Those things are within my control.
It’s also within my control to lower my expectations about packing. Is it really the end of the world if I don’t pack enough socks and undies? Couldn’t I just wash them if I run out?
As for concerns about the traffic being bad, this is out of my control! I can’t control how many cars are on the road or how fast they’re going. However, what I can control is my own driving ability (e.g., sticking strictly to the speed limit and taking regular breaks to recharge).
What about my husband buying overpriced hot chips at the Service Station? It is within my control to encourage him to buy a healthier snack, but ultimately, it’s my husband’s choice. If he wants hot chips, I can’t stop him. But it is within my control not to eat those hot chips.
Since reading Reasons not to worry, I’ve been applying the control test to my life several times a day. When I notice I’m feeling worried, upset, or unhappy about something, I ask myself, “Is this within my control?”
This simple practice has helped me to chill out, conserve my energy, and be less of a control freak. As a result, I feel better, and so does the rest of my family.
As Delaney writes:
“Used well, the control test will change how you use your energy and where you place your care and attention. Your energy should be focused on the first part of the equation: doing the thing well. And you should not direct any energy or worry to things out of your control, such as the outcome or people’s response to what you do, because that is wasted energy. You will only end up with your tranquillity disturbed”.
The control test can help us prepare effectively for tests and exams. You can’t control the way your grades are scaled, the exact questions you’ll be asked on the exam, what your exam timetable will look like, or if you’ll have back-to-back exams. Those things are externals, so the Stoics would say don’t waste your energy worrying about them.
But what you can control is how much you prepare for your exams, how much study you do, how much sleep you get, the strategies you use to learn the information, whether you refer to the syllabus, and how focused you are as you study.
How you prepare is within your control. And the more prepared you are, the better you will do in your exams.
Does the Control Test mean you shouldn’t try to help others in your community or push for environmental, social, or political change?
Not at all.
Delaney writes:
“. . . Stoics were not passive people. Historically they were people of action: political leaders, emperors and soldiers. But they knew that even if they trained hard, acted with integrity, built alliances and put in a lot of effort, they couldn’t control the outcome. They could only control their own character, own actions (and reactions) and how they treated others.”
The control test can help you to stop stressing about things that are out of your control and worrying about what other people think. In the spirit of the Stoics, focus your energy on doing your best work, being the best version of yourself, and treating people with kindness.
